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When love becomes your story

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My body was violated and abused. My soul was destroyed. My heart was ripped out. And all that was left for many years was an empty shell with pain, anger and anguish where my heart was supposed to be.

I was broken. I was lost. I was bitter. And I was angry. But that is not my story. That is not who I am.

I walked around with shame for too many years, shame that this terrible thing happened to me, ashamed of this stain that was part of my soul and contaminated my heart and my dreams; this shame that whispered in vicious cold harsh words that I had no right to demand anything from life, that I had no right to live; this shame that took over the innermost parts of my being and made itself comfortable in my thoughts, and in the process it kicked out everything that would’ve made me happy or would’ve brought me peace.

I took shame in and it held it me hostage for many years. I was its prisoner, allowing it to stop me from being who I truly am. Who was I to want more? How dared I dream to be more? Who was to demand more from life?

Shame told me that I don’t deserve it because what will people think if they knew what a bad person I really am? And I kept on hiding in the shadows, hiding from myself, running from my dreams, dying a thousand little deaths every day. But still, that is not my story.

I could not talk about being raped when I was eight years old. I couldn’t talk about being kidnapped and almost killed when I was fifteen years old. I couldn’t talk about being trapped in an abusive relationship for many years, because shame told me that I must’ve done something to deserve what happened to me. I must have done something to provoke someone enough to want to hurt me like that. But that is not my story.

My story is about love and the power it brings with it. My story and my identity are no longer about shame, anger or guilt. It is about triumphing over evil. The evil that sneaks up on you and causes your soul to rot and your heart to be bitter. I fought that evil and I won. And that is my story.

My story is about finding joy in the little miracles of life taking place around me every single day; the laughter of my children, the love of my husband, the healing of my heart, believing in my dreams, waking up with joy and gratitude.

My story is about finding God and holding unto Him without realising it. My story is about how the human spirit triumphs over everything as long as you open yourself up to the possibility of goodness, and most of all to love. No journey is easy or without pain, the question is what do you do with the pain? How do you deal with the anger? How do you let go of the guilt? And how do get rid of the shame?

You do it one day at a time, step by step, one moment at a time. And you keep at it every single day. You don’t stop and you never give up. And this is my story, how God has blessed me with the most amazing love when I wasn’t looking. And how He began the process of healing in me.

I’ve been abused. I’ve been beaten. I’ve been humiliated. I was threatened that I was going to be killed. But that is not my story.

My story is the miracle of love that happened at the least unexpected moment. How can I begin to describe the joy of finding the most beautiful, strongest, purest form of love, when I was still in the grips of fear and shame? How can I begin to describe the power of that love that was the beginning of my healing? How can I begin to describe the man who brought so much light and love when all I could see was darkness and despair? There just are no words.

The man who was brave enough to show and give me love in a way I've never experienced before. And what he showed was so simple yet so powerful. He showed me that love has the power to overcome everything. He showed me the simplicity and beauty of this all consuming powerful emotion. There was no complications. There was no drama. Just pure simple love. 

And that is my story, this story of love, and hope, and healing. It’s a story of gratitude and beauty; triumph and joy; it’s a story about love.

It’s about finding my way out of the darkness into the light.

I’m not a religious person. I don’t even go to church, but I’ve seen God and I still see Him everywhere around me. I see His hand steering me and guiding me to the place He desires me to be. I feel His presence and I see Him every time I see love.

He has carried me, protected me, loved me, strengthened me. And He has brought love to me.

I am here in this place at this moment because of Him. The bitterness, the shame, the guilt and the anger have never been me. I just chose to make it part of me. But the day I chose love everything changed. Not immediately, but gradually and over time.

It’s amazing what we can overcome. It’s amazing to wake up to your own power and feel the freedom when you embrace that power.

Yes, I still have my moments of doubt and I still sometimes wonder why all those terrible things happened to me. But like I said, that is not my story. I am writing my real story now.

The story about strength, about power, about love. The story about relying on God and accepting His love. The story about living every single day, and dreaming about the life God promised, a life where no dream is too big or too impossible. It’s a story about an imperfect life filled with perfect love.

I am not a rape survivor. I am not just surviving. I am alive. And I choose life every single day. I am not labelled by what has happened to me. I no longer have the mark of shame. I live with the mark of victory. Every day I spend living, laughing and feeling good, I have conquered the demons that tried to destroy me.

I live. I love. I breathe. I celebrate. Every single day. There's a celebration to be found in almost every moment. There's wonder to be discovered in those little moments if we just open our heart and our minds to it.  

And then there is you. You must still discover yourself, your true self, the you who dreams and believes and hopes and triumphs. The you who lives, truly lives. 

The you who knew all along that she loves and she is loved. And she is enough.

https://www.pexels.com/photo/young-woman-with-book-in-autumn-park-3769732/

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